22
GAY PEOPle's ChronICLE
APRIL 3, 1998
Easter Bunny Special
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BIG TIPS
With a cat, love is a many-dead-bird thing
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
Have you seen those new Clamato juice ads that say 98% clam-free? If that's their selling point, why don't they go the whole way? Or go for a little more truth in advertising, and call it Tomolam?
Dear Big Tipper,
I have a family problem that there just seems to be no fix for. I have a cat, Mickey, that I've had for over six years, and he's traveled from apartment to apartment with me, and been with me through several relationships. He's my little baby, but he's
a cat. He kills things.
I've sometimes gone out in the morning to find a gift of a dead mouse or a bird on the steps. I've also come home to find a smear of bloody feathers dragged across the kitchen, into the living room, upstairs, etc. It's disgusting to me, but it's his nature. Just like I've always thought the whole "make your pets be vegetarian to match their owners' politics" thing was stupid, I've never thought it was reasonable to wish he wouldn't kill things. (In the case of the occasional mole, I'm actually grateful.)
Then my lover brought her lovebirds Timmy, Tammy, Jimmy and Jammy over to stay at my place last week.
They'd been living at her store, but she wasn't paying much attention to them, and she thought they'd get more attention at my place since I only work part time. There were two pairs of them in this compartmentalized vintage cage, and as soon as they got here, they became Cat TV.
I imagined them to be safe in their cage, though, but then this morning I woke up to Mickey purring like crazy under the bed, and when I leaned down, he had Jimmy in his mouth! I grabbed him and got Jimmy, and he seemed okay, so I went to put him back in the cage, and the other three were gone!
Mickey had scratched his way through the old wire of the cage, and just ate them all. By the afternoon, Jimmy was dead too. I think he had a heart attack from being in the cat's mouth. I called my girlfriend right away and told her, and then called her again when Jimmy died. She said she was sad, but she wasn't mad at me, and that it was her fault for bringing them over in a weak cage.
I still feel terrible. I'm mad at Mickey, but I know that's not fair. I don't know what to do. I know buying her new birds won't solve the problem, and I just feel so guilty, even though she says not to.
Live and Let Die
Dear Four, Not Twenty, Love Birds Baked in a Pie,
It sounds like the birds certainly did get more attention at your place, although one might now question the commonly-held belief that any attention is good attention.
I'd just make sure you've apologized thoroughly, wait awhile, then see if maybe she'd like birds again. If she brought them to your house to get loving, there's always the possibility that she was a little over pet ownership
anyway.
Watch her for clues: If grief doesn't manifest itself naturally, don't push it, and thank the course of nature.
Dear Big Tipper,
My boyfriend has a five-year-old son, and we spend quite a bit of social time together. Sometimes my lover and I disagree on the appropriateness of certain kinds of entertainment, and this time it's about the circus.
I want to take the boy to a circus, because I feel like it's an important part of a kid's childhood: going to a show, the bustle in the stadium, the animals and clowns and costumes. My boyfriend feels like it's cruel to animals, and that it might be too scary. Kids watch scary cartoons all the time, and they're fine.
Dear Three-Ring Bonder,
Big Top Tip?
Kids understand TV differently from real life, most of the time, and increasingly with age, and while a cartoon coyote being flattened by a boulder is funny as hell, a leering clown and fire may not be.
Ultimately, he's your lover's child, and the parenting decisions stop at him. Bring the sprout to the Ice Capades for the same overpriced souvenirs, programs, and homosexual pageantry; and to a monster truck show for the roar of the crowd, spongy popcorn, and heterosexual pageantry. If you secretly want to go to the circus yourself, go with a friend whose People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals membership has lapsed.
For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-a-brac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.
For more information on the “Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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